Little Girls Growing Up

[Hattitudes]

Some out there must have little girls that are going through rough spots in their life. My daughter is 12, going on 13. Girls can be so mean at that age. Meagan is a beautiful daughter, but aren't they all in Mommy's eyes. The worst hurt a Mom can feel is when her daughter is hurting. She went on to her best friends website tonight to find a message that said, "her name, is so ugly." As you can see by the layouts I've posted she is very attractive. I suppose it is just jealousy and the teenager who wants only to hurt others and is insecure within themselves, but does it every hurt. She thought this person who own the site was her best friend, and cannot understand why she did not delete this mean message. One other friends did come to bat to say how dare you Diss my friends. Sometimes, this internet thing can be very cruel. Anyone else have a sad moment to share in raising a child, one that hurt you as much as it hurt them?

[shazzt]

Poor Meagan - that sucks! Unfortunately technology has its downsides. It is a tough age and yes, girls can be very mean. Good to see she has some support from some other friends - I guess you find out quickly who the true friends in this world are. Hope she is OK.

[okieinalaska]

Sorry to hear about that. Girls can be so mean. My daughter is only in Kindergarten and there are some girls in there already playing those games. (they all have older sisters that they learned it from mostly)

One girl kept insisting she wasn't going to invite my daughter to her birthday party, only big kids were invited. (and my daughter is older than her). Then it turns out the girl was taking turns telling all the other girls this to get them to do what she wanted to do and her birthday wasn't even for 5 months! I talked to the teacher about it as did some of the other girls moms. It seems to have stopped.

I don't want my daughter to ever behave like that, it's mean and manipulative. We talked about why the girl was doing it and how it made her feel. -and how she was never to do the same thing.

I am sure as she gets older it will only be more hurtful than just not being invited to a party. Not looking forward to that at all.

Amy in ALaska

[Abby]

Aw, poor girl! Unfortunately, it's part of life and we all go through it, both as the teenager and the mother - it's hideous from both sides of the age gap. All you can do is be there and listen and encourage and pray lots that her friends come to her defence. Wish life were a little easier!

[loonyhiker]

I teach high school and see a lot of this in high school. I would suggest that you do all that you can to encourage her to do activities that give her confidence and boost her self esteem. Focus on her strengths and interests. Encourage her to talk about her feelings and don't try to solve her problems but just listen. This will really help her during the tough times when she is singled out from her peers. My daughters are 30 and 31 now and survived teenage years. Good luck! (May the force be with you! lol)

[hoskinsjan]

That is nasty. But sorry to say hun, it's gunna get worse.

My worst hurt was with my little 4yr old, when she realised that she wasn't going to see her little boy friend this year (as he has started kindy, and she is still in preschool). She cried so hard, that I couldn't help but cry with her.

[Just Jan]

Big hugs for you. It is such a tough stage to go through.

[andyapc]

Oh, I feel for you. I have an 11 year old girl (soon to be 12) and I agonize about the social issues. Girls can be downright nasty, cruel and horrid and very socially manipulative - trying to ostracize another girl, trying to make her a social leper, etc. IT's awful.

In a nearby middle school (grades 6-8), there was trouble with girls in particular. They were continually dividing up into "groups" and banning girls one day and begging them to rejoin the next - tons of competition as to who could get the "best" girls in their group. A lot of it is done by private messaging (or "IMing) - stuff like "if you like so&so, then we won't like you" and so forth. At one point, during lunchtime, this one particular girl sat down at a table and EVERY SINGLE GIRL at that table got up as a group and moved to another table. Just left that poor girl sitting by herself, in front of 1/2 of the sixth grade class. My heart just went out to that poor girl.

My daughter does not IM anyone except her family and I was worried about this for awhile, thinking that she wasn't socially accepted. But she assured me that she just doesn't have time and doesn't like to do it. My daughter has reached the age where we don't get along 85% of the time and she avoids any conversation with me like the plague, but I keep trying, plugging away. It's very difficult when I want to give her the third degree about who her friends are, what they're like, what her day was like in school, etc., but instead, I have to just step back and wait for volunteered information and ask my questions when I get a small window of opportunity.

Anyway, I asked her opinion after I heard about the lunch room incident (she goes to a different school, but she had attended that school for years before we moved to another district and she knew all the girls involved). I explained what happened and asked her if she thought it would be better to be the girl left at the table or one of the girls who got up and walked away. She immediately answered she would rather be the one left at the table. Her reasoning? Because if she was picked on, she could just walk away but, if she was the bully, that would be who she was and she couldn't walk away from it. I was pretty proud of that, even though it broke my heart to think of her as being the lone girl at the table.

I constantly worry about my daughters, especially my eldest, because she does not fit the "typical" pre-teen you see on TV everywhere - she is not a size 2, she is very much in the awkward stage, she wears glasses, has braces - you know, all that stuff. And I know girls can be cruel if you don't "look" a certain way. But all I can do is continue to try to instill in her my values and ethics and try to be on top of what she's doing and with whom and try to get to know her friends and make sure she's not heading down a bad path. And I will try not to flip out when a "friend" treats her this way or in any similar situation.

It's hard - I'm kind of scared of the social issues ahead of us but I've got faith that the values I've tried to instill in her will carry her through painful situations like what you're going through now.

So give her a big hug, listen to her, don't negate anything she's feeling and try to tell her as gently as possible that a true friend wouldn't treat her as such and that she'll find out as she grows older what really makes a true friend.

[BethyNixon]

Ok, my daughter is just 2.5.
Do you guys know any way I can keep her that age because just reading this stuff is making me cry.

I won't be able to handle it!

Hugs to the moms and the daughters!

[shazzt]

Sounds like you have already done a pretty good job Andy - it takes a lot of courage to not go with the group. Sometimes I am glad I have boys...

[SKetchy]

Oh doesn't it just break your heart. Your daughter is so beautiful, I hope she knows it. My dd has a learning disability, its so hard because she is an incredibly bright and fun girl. But she is just a bit off to those her age, who are trying so hard to act like teenagers. She just doesn't care about a lot of that stuff. It sets her apart and at this age, being apart doesn't translate well for making friends. But we are an incredibly close family and she does have one great friend although she lives across the country now, her cousin who is 2 weeks older. I'm hoping with that support she'll get through this time OK.

[danieq]

How well I remember that period in my own life. It was nothing short of awful. Kids are sooo cruel. Both boys and girls. My oldest daughter is 13 and has been mostly homeschooled except for 7th grade. As you've seen, she's a beauty, but that didn't help. She still experienced ostracism and hurtful behavior. It turned out that the kids who were treating her badly had very painful histories and I think that is often the case. Children whose parents are unavailable, or divorced, or are experiencing abuse. Unfortunately, all of those things and many more can cause a great deal of damage. So many of us as parents have put our own children in jepordy by our poor choices too. I do think it is more difficult to be a parent today than when I was a child. EVERYTHING is available to our children and so they are hurt by it. I think it is VERY important to listen to your childrens hurts and let them know that when they hurt, you hurt. Let them know that their experiences do matter and the way they feel about them does matter. As a child, I had crossed eyes and was tormented by all the other kids. My parents response.....just ignore them. Yeah, right. Impossible. I wished my parents would have cried with me, or asked the teacher to intervene, or anything, but instead their message to me was to fend for myself. IMHO, being your childs cheerleader, support person, etc is very important. They need to know that we are there for them. It sounds like you did the best you could Hatti! Agh, it does make you so sad to realize how many strikes todays kids have against them. Life is HARD!

[Hattitudes]

Thanks for all your support with Little Girls Growing Up, Meagan seems to be doing OK. She hasn't been concerned about the situation anymore. Luckily, she can let things roll off her shoulders and move to more caring friends when needing to. I'm sure there are many more trials and tribulations ahead of us. High school will be a whole new ball game.
I know one of her cheerleading acquaintances had a terrible time. She is in Grade 9, and absolutely gorgeous. Many girls do not like pretty girls and gave her a really hard time.
Just outside Toronto, a group of girls mobbed a pretty girl and used a razor on her face. How horrifying is that? I suppose we should be teaching our kids to know when to bite their tongues too, as revenge is not a very nice thing in the long run. Oh, how we want to protect them,

[Giaria]

My DD is 3 1/2 and I didn't realize all this "girl stuff" started so early. Right before Christmas (and of course right when I was 9 1/2 months pregnant) my daughter started telling me at school that she was sad because she wanted to play with Olivia & Katie but they told her to go away because they wanted to play by themselves and they didn't like her. It sent her into a funk for a few days. It's so hard to explain to a 3 year old that they're just being mean and that she's ok when all you hear is "Olivia said that I'm ... and Katie said she doesn't like me because..." I wasn't prepared this early!!

[charmed_mommy]

You guys are making me nervous for when my little girl starts to grow up!

[Sharon1313]

Hattitudes, thanks for starting this thread and sharing, I am in tears reading all the comments. I do think girls are harder on other girls (and women harder on women!) than guys are on other guys. It's funny, because everyone says guys are more competitive, and yet girls can be so terribly cruel to one another. My daughter is 4 and she also has had a couple of instances in preschool when other girls wouldn't play with her. For a while it was all the fashion to say "you can't come to my birthday party!" when someone did something they didn't like. It does break your heart to hear these stories. Fortunately I think kids are stronger than we realize... more resilient.

I like what OkieinAlaska said about talking through it with her and talking about the other girl's motivation... so much of that stuff comes from insecurity, trying to build themselves up at others' expense. When a child understands that, I think it makes it somewhat easier to bear.

Good luck, Hattitudes and all you other moms! Keep up the good work. The best thing you can do is just love them and be there for them.

[omio]

I'm a retired junior high school teacher. More for parents than kids, I used to hand out an assignment that the families completed together. It was a paragraph that was very negative about young people -- basically describing them as vain, selfish, lazy, disrespectful to their elders, etc. The paragraph concluded asking what the world was coming to? My students and their parents were to read the paragraph to their parents and come up with a group answer for the author.

This was an incredibly popular assignment even though I was always disappointed to see some people guess parents or teachers as the author. As I'm sure you've guessed, the paragraph was written a couple of thousand years ago by Socrates. Unfortunately, this junior high period is part of the maturation process and it's definitely harder on girls than boys. (The girls take themselves MUCH more seriously at this age.) It can be heartbreaking but, if it makes you feel any better, the kids handle the situations really well at school. It's when they get home and tell mom about it that the tears come.

I taught for more than 30 years and, as I got older I seemed to worry more and more about "what the world was coming to." Then the first junior high dance would be held (I always chaperoned) and there it would be: all the girls on one side of the gym, all the boys on the other side, and in the middle a few girls dancing together and one brave boy dancing with a girl. The more things change, the more they stay the same. :lol:

Junior high operates the same way it always has, and we don't know how bad it was until we're past the stage. As hard as it is to be the mom, please remember that these hurts and experiences make the kids strong and teach them to deal with the harder situations that will come as they get older. I have a great essay on junior high schoolers that is dated but true to this day. Will find and post it. Please be assured, though, that your girls will get through these years with a lot less pain than you will. :D

[omio]

Here's the essay. Slang is dated but this essay has been and will be true for the ages.

WHAT IS A JUNIOR HIGHER?
(Courtesy of Walter Hill Junior High School)

Somewhere between the innocence and prattle of elementary school and the mature
sophistication of senior high school is an emotional roller coaster known as the junior high school age. Junior highers come in a vast assortment of physical shapes and sizes. Some of them get so big that strangers are amazed. Some of them are so mature (compared to others) that even teachers are awed.

Junior highers are not very strong for homework, teachers who never crack a joke,
rules and regulations, doing chores around the house, homework, putting their clothes away, homework, being treated like children (except when they want to be), adults who talk down to them, homework, being embarrassed in front of their friends, and homework. These things are gross!

Junior highers are very strong for clothes, teachers with a sense of humor, the telephone, horror movies, passing notes, clothes, unbelievable amounts of the wrong kinds of food, loud music (played night and day) that gives anyone over the age of eighteen the screaming meemies, adults who do not embarrass them in front of their friends, crazy fads that come and go almost overnight, sports, social activities, practically all boys (if you're a girl), certain girls (if you're a boy), being excused from class (because we're not doing anything in there today, anyway), clothes, being treated like adults (except when they want to be treated like children), the beach, and clothes. These things are rad!

The greatest tragedy in junior high is not having a friend to eat lunch with. The greatest triumph is finding out that a certain person likes you.

Junior highers are vastly underrated by those who have never worked with them. At no age are kids more enthusiastic, more reasonable when they really know the reason, more protective of their friends, more anxious to please the adults they like, more willing to pour their hearts and souls into a worthwhile project (if they're sold on the value of it), and more appreciative in the long-run of those who have tried to help them. Junior highers don't know the meaning of the word "impossible" -- so they go ahead and do it -- good or bad.

We suspect that junior highers love every minute of their crazy Halloween world; not only the fun, the laughter, the music, the friends; but the tears, the frustrations, the adults who don't "understand" them, and, yes, even the embarrassments and hurt feelings as well. Deep down, junior highers know that the race is won by the alert, the hardworking, the responsible, the person who does what's expected of him. They know that no one is going to hand them the world on a skateboard.

Yes, junior highers are wonderful; they're trying on the patience; they're possessed of greatness; they cause you to lose your hair -- but they're the hope of the world. And as soon as they learn to live with the mysterious difference between what adults say and what adults do, the only really difficult problem that lies ahead for them is that some day they, too, will be living in the same house with a junior higher.